Mommy Blues

Lili got her first “official” haircut this morning. She had a “mock” one in the fall so that she could experience going to the salon but I wasn’t ready for her baby locks to go. The stylist thought I was crazy when I asked her to only take off 1/2 an inch. I know it was irrational, but I couldn’t bear the thought of them taking off any more. Sniff. Sniff.

I still wasn’t really ready to cut her hair today, but I knew it was time. She was beginning to look like a ragamuffin, and her hair was a nightmare to brush in the mornings. She screamed like a hyena in heat whenever the brush was brought out.

I had never cut hair prior to today. Ever. ( well, not unless you count the time I butchered my own when I was 14.)  But the frugal part in me didn’t want to spend $20 for a haircut. In hindsight, it might not have been the wisest thing to just jump in and try to do myself. But with Michael’s encouragement, a few youtube videos, and a pair of cutting shears, I went to work. Lili’s excitement was infectious. She was so cute, and happy that her Mama was “making her so pretty.” It was hard to keep her still, and I was beyond nervous. Maybe next time I’ll just leave it to the professionals.

You know what surprised me the most with this experience?

The overwhelming sadness that hit me full force when I caught glimpses of those wispy locks on the floor. There was a lump in my throat as my little one chattered on and on.

She is growing up. 

Why is that so hard for me?

She looks as cute as a pixie with her new do. I absolutely love it. I am really proud that I -foolishly -did it myself. ( Just don’t look too close )

But today when I look at her,  all I can think of is how she is going to Kindergarten in the fall. And how fast the past four years have gone. And how I already miss her.

It is the first time in my life that I don’t want winter to end or summer to start. Life is beginning to change. Lili and I are in our last season together just the two of us. But it is also the last time I will have any of my little ones at home all day with me. The thought of that knocks me off my feet and leaves me winded. I still have time. Although I have learned that time is on a speed of it’s own. It has no concern for lovesick Mamas.

It all went to fast. Like a blur. I still clearly remember Gabriella and Caleb’s first days of Kindergarten and how fun it was for them, and how hard it was for me. I know without a doubt that Lili is going to rush into all this- without even looking back. She’s excited, and spunky, and so so ready.

But i’m not.

I’m just not.

I’m just not.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Mommy Blues

  1. My momma’s heart can relate SO much to this post. We homeschool through 6th grade, and when it was time to “let go” of my oldest daughter, Cate, I just cried. She’s my right-hand gal! I’ve come to realize that every day is such a gift, and I try (key word: TRY) to make the most of every moment. Lili is a beauty!

  2. Thank you! I agree, it is so hard to see past the chaos of everyday life and just appreciate the gifts around us… i find that I too often let precious moments pass me by.

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